Monday, December 5, 2011

The Transformation into a Boring Person is Complete

I haven't updated on here for awhile, mostly because nothing interesting has happened to me. Most of my interesting things have been more in the 'They should give my friends a reality show so that they can catfight for money' type of category. I tend to not write about them because even thinking about the events makes me want to built an evil robot army to destroy them all.

In other news, I now have 10 people following this blog. This basically makes me internet famous right? Right. Next up on my list is to be real famous for being famous. This has always been a dream of mine. By dream I mean, it seemed like a good idea after that whole being a trophy wife thing didn't work out. I'll be the new Paris Hilton. Actually I'd probably be the new version of whoever was the new Paris Hilton because she's very 5 years ago. (I've already got the lingo down!) Is she even still alive?

Now I just need a catchphrase. 'That's Mildly Lukewarm!'

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Salad Fluffer Returns

She was back, pretty sure it was the same one. Stop that, you don't need to fluff chocolate pudding. Why do they even put chocolate pudding in a salad bar?


Yesterday while wandering around town doing errands I realized something. At that moment the whole town smelled like cheese. Not good cheese. Melty, mac and cheese sort of smell, but that really ripe and strong cheese that very few people eat. Like those European countries that we never invite over to dinner.

I thought it was just over by the quilt store, it was the strongest there. A block over is some sort of plant that burns trash and we thought it was that, but everywhere I went the cheese smell followed. To Target, to the Library, and even over by my dorm. I feel like my town is at least big enough that one plant wouldn't make the whole place smell like cheese. We are becoming that country that no one wants to invite to dinner because we smell like cheese. Or that creepy kid on the playground.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Random Things

1. I taken to drawing cartoon elephants to keep my awake during classes. Because it's me and not some normal person, these elephants have started getting snarky thought bubbles. Usually it's something funny teacher has said (like 'You can't even DO that with sugar), or some comment about the horribly named fake companies in our examples. One of the ones on the latest test was 'Tubby's'. What does Tubby's sell? Well, I'm not actually sure, probably widgets. Widgets is one of the most fun things to say ever. They could also sell baby bathtubs, which the same might work for. Possible normal tubs (now you're sounding stupid), or maybe a dating site for overweight people? I feel like that's highly offensive and someone is going to get sat on.

2. It's finally gotten cold enough that most of the species of Teengirlious Pantslessious have gone into hibernation. Seriously people for the good of everyone's retinas, just wear pants. Or a skirt, even a romper would be fine. Just stay away from bathing suits (outside of an area of water), leotards (if you are not dancing), leggings (by themselves), tights, hose, granny panties, etc. Just don't do it.

3. Salad Fluffers. My school was extremely yummy salad bars, I get that for lunch almost everyday because I have an obsession with good ranch dressing. There are certain people who work there, the salad fluffers, that bother me to no end. I have never seen them clean up a spill, or replace and empty container. All they do is stand in the corner, wait into I need to get to something and then stand in my way and fluff it. Stop fluffing the ham, it's fine. You got it from being one pile of ham to another pile of ham. It doesn't look any better, and frankly college students don't care that much. The ham is right next to the ranch and if you get in the way of my ranch I will end you.

I feel like this isn't as funny as normally, but I've been sick. Funny is the second thing that leaves me when I'm sick. Sarcasm however, you will have to pry that from my cold dead hands.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Things About Buses

Story A: Imagine you are a guy in your 30's (probably), slightly creepy looking, sitting on a bus. Sitting next to you is a college age girl. What do you do?

A) Leave her alone because I don't know her and she seems very involved in the book she's reading.
B) Try to talk to her.
C) Creep her the fuck out by trying to talk to her without making complete eye contract so she doesn't know if you are actually talking to her or not. You will make her feel like a jerk for not responding, even though she still isn't sure if you are talking to her, and like she wishes she had a can of pepper spray.

Frankly, don't be a creeper on the bus. The MORE YOU KNOW!

Story B: On our buses, like most buses, they have ads on the section above your head. I noticed one on my way to the library the other day that gave me pause. It was for Birthright and talked about free pregnancy tests. All well and good, that's normal for things on the bus. What was not normally was the picture of a girl that was also on the ad. Instead of a young girl looking worried and confused about maybe being pregnant they had something horrifying. A girl with angry eyes, with her hair in her face, and half in shadow. Her dress looked like it was made from bandages.

What exactly is that part of the ad supposed to be telling me?

A) Has your husband sold your vagina to the devil? If so, you might be pregnant with demon spawn. Come to us, we can help. Holy Water is standing by.

B) Babies turn you into a uber bitch.

C) Come see if you're pregnant with us and we'll give you a free 'girl from the Grudge' just for showing up! Free gift might cause nightmares and death.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

In which I yell at fruit.

Damn it clementine! The whole point of you is that you are easy to peel. I have no nails and you're supposed to be fine with that. You're supposed to just roll over and let me peel you. What is the use of you? Without an easy peel you are just a pain in my ass tangerine. Do you want that, fruit? Do you want to be a tangerine?

That's what I thought.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

First Day of Random

I decided to start a blog because I am normally full of the most random thoughts ever. These thoughts tend to sit in my head and never leave until I tell someone. Telling the internet is kinda like telling someone.

Sadly, now that I've started this I can't think of any random thoughts. The internet is messing with me.